Breaking the Stigma: Home Schooling

These witty words are from Tonya Alfonso.  She has been home schooling for 18 years, raises 5 children and a husband, and wears denim jumpers.  Just kidding.  About the jumper thing.  You'll see why.  -Lindsay

                                                                                                                                                                       

I home school my children. 

Quick: what picture just popped into your head? 

Did it involve denim jumpers, homemade granola, religious wing nuts, or socially maladjusted 14-year-old college graduates? Yeah, that’s what I thought. 

Ok, so I do make my own granola, but none of the rest of that in any way resembles my family. I don’t even own a denim jumper...anymore. 

We are average people who just happen to make our kids go to school in the basement. 

Home schooling has gone mainstream. Most people no longer try to argue that children educated at home will necessarily be behind academically. If they do, there are numerous studies that put that idea to rest. Many places now offer virtual public school as an option for parents who want to keep their kids at home. Every state has home school laws on the books, and it is generally recognized as a valid educational choice. 

Still, I’m in my 18th year of home schooling, and I get the same questions I‘ve always gotten. I get them so often in fact, that I’m considering having a t-shirt made with my answers, just to save time. Here’s your primer on questions most often asked of home schoolers, and the answers I give the most often. Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed by this author are her own, and do not necessarily reflect those of home schoolers everywhere.

“How do you have the patience for home schooling?” Um, I don’t. Just ask my kids. Part of why my kids hate math is because those lessons usually end with one of us yelling and the other one crying. I’m getting better, but my 5th child is still a little nervous about having to tackle algebra someday with me as his teacher. He saw what happened when his sisters and I tried to get the hang of parabolas and imaginary numbers, and it wasn’t pretty. Somehow, we muddle through. 

"Muddling Through" could be the home school battle cry.

“Oh, I wish I could home school, but I'm not smart enough.” Yes, I did graduate from college, but many of my (successfully home educating) friends did not. They are moms and dads who are dedicated to seeing their children succeed in school. Period. I teach things I know very little about. How do I do that? I learn right alongside my children. Believe me when I tell you that teachers in “real schools” do the same thing. I know, because I was one. When certain subjects in our home school get beyond my ability, I farm them out. I put my kids in co-op classes for chemistry. I get video courses for math. I send the kids to the university/technical college for dual enrollment. We figure it out.

“How does home schooling work, exactly?” Unless prefaced by, “We’ve been thinking about home schooling our kids next year,” this question is not about getting information about how you manage your day. It is about looking for weak spots along your fence line, and is usually followed by more questions. “How do they get into college? What about testing? Are you really religious? What about socialization?” Every single one of those questions have been asked of me. By family members, doctors, school officials, the person behind me at the grocery store, and once, by a random stranger at a wake. I’m not even kidding. Like I said, looking for weak spots. 

How do my kids get into college? Very well, thank you. My two oldest daughters are in college, both on scholarship. One is at a four-year liberal arts university, maintains a 3.8 GPA, and has already been offered a job upon graduating. Another is at the technical college studying cosmetology, has excelled in both her academic courses and her clinical skills, and has a 3.7 GPA. Are my kids the smartest ones in the room? Sometimes, maybe. Mostly though, they are kids who work hard and want to do well. In my eyes, that has more to do with parenting and personality than preparation. 

As for testing, we don’t. My kids don’t take the annual standardized state test that school kids have to. They don’t do this because, under the laws of SC, and the specific option by which my family home schools, we don’t have to. If this makes you nervous for my children and their futures, reread the preceding paragraph. 

While my husband and I are both Christians, our decision to educate our kids at home has more to do with what we believe we can offer them, in all areas of life, that a school can’t. Just the other day, my 9-year-old asked me why we home schooled. My stock answer has always been, “Because there is nothing a school can offer you, that Dad and I care about, that we can’t do here at home.” (Emphasis mine.) Yes, some of those things we care about are related to our faith, but our faith is not the engine driving our home school. For some folks, it is, and I’m just grateful we all still have the opportunity to make our own parenting decisions in this arena. 

Now, the Big S question. Socialization. My short answer to this question: 

I bet Bill Gates didn’t go to prom. 

Honestly, can we agree to find a new drum to beat? Didn’t you have socially awkward kids in your school when you were young? The odd ducks, the girl with no sense of style, the boy who always caught the kickball with his face? I know some real live grown-ups who are absolutely weird. They went to traditional schools. I know others who are comfortable and accepted in every social situation. They were home schooled. I find it fascinating that many school anti-bullying campaigns address the dangers of stereotypes, but the socialization issue (read as “weird kids”) is considered a legitimate criticism of home schooling by many school officials. Again, this is experience talking here.

 I say this as the mom of kids who manage pretty well out there in the world. Most of my kids have a tendency toward nerdiness, which my husband and I actually encourage. Superheroes, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and proper grammar are near and dear to us. These things are currently enjoying a renaissance of sorts, so it’s working out nicely. My children have friends, a couple have boyfriends, and I spend a lot of time taking them to their various lessons and activities. Some folks have said, right in front of my kids, that they “don’t seem home schooled.” What does that mean?? One woman said that even though my kids were home schooled, they were all pretty, so she knew they were doing fine.

I still don’t know what to make of that one. 

Let me wrap up by saying this: I am no Super Mom just because I home school. I am closer to the Marge Simpson end of the spectrum than I am to Olivia Walton. Proof: as I type this at 10 a.m., 2 of my students are still in bed, there is dog hair all over the couch, we are almost out of milk, and I am still in the sweatpants I slept in. If you were to poll home schooling families, you would find many of them could say the same thing on any given morning. The last thing any of us think is that we are better parents, or smarter, or more together than those who send their kids to school. We are faced with evidence to the contrary every single day, and our kids are more than willing to correct any pompous attitudes that may form, usually in some public manner that will reinforce home schooler stereotypes. 

I guess that’s the price we pay for getting to do school in our pajamas.

Strike that. Reverse it.

Remember that post I just did about not being a Christian social worker?  Yeah.  I'm rethinking that one.

I don't know what else could truly break stigma other than a perfect love that casts out all fear.  Isn't that why we stigmatize people?  Because we fear what we don't understand and then come up with ideas and determinations about groups of people with no solid ground to base them on?

The social work side of me keeps chanting, "Education.  Educate people."

Yes.  Yes and amen to education.  But the fact that the vast majority of the Muslim community are not terrorists isn't stopping people from slandering them and twisting distorted and unfounded hate into their  own hearts.

The more I dwell on how to go about attacking stigmas about communities or groups of people, such as people with disabilities or those who are on welfare, somewhere deep in my heart whispers,

"Love people, Lindsay.  Love them deeply.  Love the hated, and love those who hate."

How could I possibly construct a barrier between my love for Christ and my love for people who I'll seek justice for in my profession?  I know it sounds like common sense when you say it out loud, but try being a weary, broken vessel who loves the Lord and loves justice and compassion, and working in a vocation that fights for people merely under the assumption that we have a responsibility to the dignity of humanity, and having nothing to do with Christ at all.

Recently in a post featured on The Good Women Project, a girl wrote, "I can't put fences around agape".  Isn't that just beautiful?
 
It sounds an awful lot like something Jesus would say.

And we're called to be just like Him inside and outside of our profession, aren't we?

I am not a Christian social worker

I have a scenario I'd like you to mull over.  It's the same type of dichotomous struggle I find myself facing each day as a Christian and as a social worker.
  
Please understand this scenario is fake does not reflect my actual beliefs one way or the other.  

As a women of a certain faith, Jayne firmly believes that  homosexuality is sinful.  She is therefore, certainly against the legalizing of gay marriage as it would only serve as a societal enabler for sinfulness.  Jayne believes God created men and women for marriage and does not think it is morally right for men or marry men or women to marry women.  Jayne is also a social worker.  She has multiple homosexual clients and shows no discrimination toward them.  She has been asked to join with other social workers to D.C. in lobbying for equal rights for the LGBT community.  Jayne believes advocacy for equality for all people is not only her job, but her responsibility as a social worker.  At the same time, she personally believes homosexual marriage is wrong.

Again, this is a fake scenario to illustrate the dichotomy I constantly feel.

If you were Jayne, what would you do?  Which part of you would win in the end?  Most issues like this are complicated because they aren't just issues.  They are people.  Real people that social workers sit face to face with every day.  We hear their stories and empathize with their pain.  We hand them tissues and hold back our own tears.  We make a vow for equality and are expected to uphold it.

I have certain beliefs as a Christian and certain beliefs as a social worker.  Sometimes they are the same and sometimes they're at odds.  Here's the thing - I do not consider myself Christian social worker.  I am both and neither at the same time.  It's an awfully confusing place to live.

This doesn't mean I check my brains or beliefs at the door when I walk into church, class, or work.  I take all of it with me.  Beliefs, logic, ethics - I wouldn't be authentic without all of it.  But when the two are at odds, I am faced with an internal dilemma. As a professional, I adhere to a code of ethics.  As a Christian, I assert Scripture as my ultimate authority.  Saying I feel constantly pulled in 10,000 different directions would be a vast understatement.

If you ever come to my house and see a few pints of Ben and Jerry's in the freezer, you now know why.

Saving the world isn't as simple as it seems.

---------------------

Do you come across situations like this, too?  Surely this happens outside of the social work arena. How do you handle it?

Baby Snatchers

When my mom suggested I should pursue a Masters degree in Social Work, I thought she was outside of her mind.

Baby snatching isn't really my thing, Mom. 

Like most mothers would laugh at their clearly uninformed children in their 20's, my mom laughed enough to make me feel like I was missing out on an inside joke.

Stop watching reality TV and do some research, Lindsay.  Social workers can work at schools, hospitals, non-profits, do counseling, work with children, the elderly, veterans, in substance abuse, disability, policy making - the opportunities are endless.  Research.  And stop calling social workers baby snatchers.  It's rude.

Fast forward a few years, and now I'm fighting the baby snatcher stigma.

Usually when people ask me what I'm studying and I tell them social work, I get that, "Ohhhhh.  That's nice."  type of response.  You know the reaction I'm talking about.  I remind myself they more than likely have no idea what social work even is.

Let's just clear the air- not all social workers are baby snatchers.  We don't all work for the Department of Social Services or Children and Youth Services or whatever entity that exists in your area that takes away abused and neglected children.

If you Google the definition of social work, you're going to get a million different answers.  The reason you'll get a million different answers is because social workers can work in a million different capacities.  What's important is the theme running throughout all these facets.  Social work is a helping profession, and certainly is a profession.  Social workers strive for social justice.  And this social justice is not a junk drawer phrase.  Social workers are advocates for real live justice.  We often think of social justice only happening in third world countries, but that is not the case.  Helping a homeless veteran find stable housing and income is just as much social justice as clean water initiatives in Africa.

Whether we're face to face with clients in group therapy or in D.C. lobbying for certain legislation, this always remains true:  compassion for people is central.

The road we take to get there might just look a little different.